What if God were truly Lebanese?

With hundreds of mentions of the Cedars of Lebanon in the old and new testament and with the immense Lebanese ego which makes our people feel as if we are “the chosen ones”, one question comes to mind: What if God were truly Lebanese?

God Lebanese

Here is our own scientific simulation for this scenario and how things would really be up there:

– Saint Peter would be fired as guardian of Heaven’s door and would be replaced by a tall muscular bouncer.

god lebanese heaven or hell

– Being accepted into Heaven would no longer be based on how much of a good person you are; instead you will only get access if you know someone that knows someone in Heaven’s upper management.

– Heaven would still be filled with beautiful white clouds but those would be caused by everyone’s “arguilé”.

god lebanese heaven or hell

– Even on days where Heaven would be totally empty, you can still see dozens of top expensive cars parked outside its doors and, of course, you are forced to give your ride to the Valet who will park it at the far far away side of Heaven.

– No matter how good you have been in life, showing up at Heaven’s doors wearing flats for ladies or sneakers for men would directly propulse you into Hell. In fact, the bouncer will give you a degrading head to toe inspection to guarantee you face your destiny.

god purgatory beirut

– In case you are doomed to live in hell, you can forget about the demons and the fire cliché. Instead, hell will simply consist of you being stuck in the Dora traffic for eternity.

– In cases where your destiny cannot be determined by the Heavenly powers, you will be sent to the Purgatory for an ultimate test. To pass the test you need to prove your ability to stand in a pool wearing Ray Bans yet NOT swimming or stand in a night club wearing heels and holding a drink but not dancing.

heaven in lebanon or hell

– In case of lack of places in Heaven and if a tie occurs between two people who passed the Purgatory, an expensive bill will be thrown between the two and only the one that wins the ultimate fight to pay the bill gets access to Heaven.

god lebanese

What do you think God would be like if He were Lebanese? Hit us your answers in the comment box!

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4 comments on “What if God were truly Lebanese?

  1. Tarek August 4, 2014 10:48 am

    Do you REALLY want to go into this argument Ralph? OK – so answer me – to which of our sects will God belong if he were Lebanese? See? I rest my case.

    • theboss August 4, 2014 12:50 pm

      Hahah good question Tarek. I think the Holy Trinity will be divided among the three main sects in a way to guarantee total paralysis of heaven and chaos for eternity. See. Resolved.

      • Tarek August 4, 2014 2:30 pm

        And you think someone is going to settle for… A DOVE? Tsk, tsk!… Moudawara habibi that’s the answer….

        • theboss August 4, 2014 3:36 pm

          Hahaha good point

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