The REAL Predictions of 2014 – A Lebanese Parody

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With every start of a new year, the Lebanese people are overwhelmed with a series of predictions which, in a very contradictory manner, promise Lebanon a year of butterflies and rainbows and at the same time tsunamis, earthquakes, floods, assassinations and occasional alien attacks.

Since the success rate of many TV wizards turned out to be relatively high, and since Nostradamus ain’t got shit on us, we have decided to create our very own psychic experiment.

Below are, based on “visions”, our own predictions for 2014:

– We see a further increase in Restaurant and Diner food prices leading to the introduction in all banks of a new “Food Loan” and after high demand a new “Extra Sauce” loan

– We see the death of the Wadagudu Indian Tribal Leader of Southern Waskikian Island. While he remains unknown to the world, he will be mourned by all Lebanese through mass sharing of his photos and quotes on all Social Media platforms

– We see the inauguration of more than 3 Million “Le Charcutier Aoun” branches allowing each citizen to have his very own branch

– We see the anointing of thousands of new Saints by the Vatican to allow for new naming options for Lebanese Pharmacies

– We see the Rise of a new sexy/slutty Lebanese Singer after launching her first song entitled a random combination of the following: “7oubbak – nari – rou7 el rou7 – sha22efni – yay”

– We see the Lebanese Private Sector introducing a new salaries and bonuses system which will pay employees based on their Candy Crush high scores

– After Basketball, Football, Volleyball and all other sports known to Man, we see Lebanese Politicians ruining the last surviving potential national sport: Synchronized Swimming

– We see Google running out of “Sad Monday” and “Happy Friday” visuals, leaving hundreds of Lebanese Social Media Managers jobless

– We see Universal Studios introducing a new X-Men mutant based on a Lebanese Public Sector Employee and carrying superpowers such as the ability to make loud coffee sipping sounds and to shoot lethal jets of “bezer zghir”

– We see the issuance of all personal legal Lebanese papers to require the ID of the citizen and his Photo from a recent Mondanité issue (max 3 months old)

– We see “Da3ish” and “Nosra” Extremists threatening to kidnap all players of “Truth or Dare” as it ends with the forbidden Christian word دير and thus may contain priests and nuns

– We see الحاجة حياة, after her huge success in releasing the Lebanese Hostages of A3zaz, being sent on a secret mission to find Nemo. She succeeds.

What predictions do you have for 2014? Hit us with your best in the comment box.

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2 comments on “The REAL Predictions of 2014 – A Lebanese Parody

  1. norma January 2, 2014 12:16 pm

    No political predictions? I’ll add one:

    – All political problems will be solved by two bold movements: Procrastinate then Postpone

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